I quit the internet for 30 Days—Here’s What It Did to My Relationships

About a year ago I was able to successfully disconnect for a period of 30 days.

It was a combination of emotional and mindfulness skills that I had been building for years in order to balance my life. This happened during an especially difficult year of my life—but I broke free as an experiment to see what would happen.

It was the first time in my adult life that I had experienced this and fundamentally changed the way I see the world in many ways.

What I didn’t expect was for it to have so much impact on my relationships.

I have three main takeaways that I noticed of how my relationships changed after I started practicing mindfulness:

1. How others act is way more about them than me

Previously, I would react to people’s behaviors with immediate judgment or defensiveness. My spouse’s snide comment would trigger my own insecurities. Or actions my boss would take would frustrate me— “doesn’t he know how this impacts me??”

When I didn’t have my nose in a screen all day, I was more interested to watch my own reactions, thoughts, and emotions as they floated by. I spent dedicated time learning to recognize what was going on—first for me and then for other people.

Thoughts, emotions, and reactions still surface for me. But I am able to let them float away and not give them so much power.

What I started to recognize in myself, I started to see, was a universal human experience underneath.

We’re all carrying a huge bundle of insecurities, traumas, and hurt. I started to recognize this in myself first. Then I started to see it in everyone else. And after a time, I was able to empathize with the pain I see happening in everyone else.

This understanding shifted my interactions. Instead of responding to the surface-level behavior, I began responding to the underlying emotional need. Empathy replaced criticism.

Curiosity replaced defensiveness.

While this is sometimes easier said than done, I am able to recognize that almost always: the way someone is acting isn’t personal. It’s much larger, deeper, and more painful than me.

2. Fully listening

We often talk about self improvement and meditation with a focus on how much it will help your own mental health.

What we don’t talk about is how impactful it is to someone ELSE to be fully present with them.

When you are actually fully listening to someone. Conscious of your own judgments and thoughts. It makes a huge difference in their experience of being heard, acknowledged, and respected.

People need a sounding board. Someone to listen and validate. In our modern era we get a lot of relationships that are in a state of “half-listening” all the time. This is something I’ve definitely been guilty of.

When we’re being pulled by the next dopamine fix it can be challenging to slow down and listen about your partner’s (kinda boring) trip to the store.

But when you give your self space to disengage, sit and do nothing for awhile— it’s much easier to find space to listen to others in your life.

3. Consciousness is contagious

If I was doing nothing but staring out the window. Or sitting and eating my food. Others around me would notice. There’s a part of me that was initially terrified by this. It’s fascinating how we can be so lonely and yet so afraid to connect at the same time.

When you are shoving your nose into your laptop or your phone you are ‘un-disturb-able’. Your brain is in a hurried state of mind. Finishing something or jumping to the next consumable content.

You’ll notice, if you spend enough time doing nothing, that many things suddenly become interesting. I spent a good time at the airport recently watching people rushing through. Their family dynamics, their choice of clothing.

I noticed people engaging with me more. They’d catch my eye, see me not really doing anything, and smile to acknowledge me.

I had someone ask me for help watching their bags. Because I was the only one not shutting out the world.

We wonder why we are so isolated and yet we stand in the same room together and try to avoid each other at all cost.

But people notice if you are there. That you are “present” and are safe to engage with.

It’s a fascinating experiment, absolutely somewhat uncomfortable at first, you should try it next time you are in public.

You may have reasons for wanting to develop a better balance with your screen time. And how that will improve your mental health.

But consider how your relationships might improve with your spouse, your friends, your parents, or your kids. If you did nothing but be with them.

That alone is enough to motivate me to put down the computer. ✌️